I hate my life
a passenger in my own stream of experiences
uncaring epoché: the suspension of judgment
lack of appetite; ambition; wager, or sexual
no sense of desire to arise in the morning
self-contempt and facile compromise/backlash
I forget my age sometimes
the way, my face is, supposed to look, beyond 17-
a complete dissatisfaction with any sense of normalcy as lived,
the lack of desire correlated with lack of any hope for/or positive qualitative change.
the accompanying sickening horror of knowing
it is all past, contingent, potentially disappearable at
any moment if only I had a choice
If I had a choice = if I could know a way away.
January 17, 2010